In The Stillness

I have felt a strange longing for writing lately.

It must have been a long time since I wrote the last blog. It is quite hard for me to settle down in one place for a long time, especially after more than 5 years since the day I moved out and lived far away from my family. Like many, I’m just a child from a small town who move to a big city, hoping to pursue a dream job and a better life after completing my education. I’ve moved 6 times in just two and a half years, and the nostalgic for everything I once had standing in front of my previous home is fading. I am grateful for everything in my life, even the smallest things. Whenever I move, I spend a few minutes looking through every corner of my current place, like a film reel of memories flashing before my eyes from the day I moved in until the last.

I try to imprint my feelings onto every place I’ve stayed, as a way of showing respect and gratitude for the the shelter and nurture I received. Although this is my usual habit, I now feel that the more I move, the less attached I become to each place. I am being swept up by the fast face of technology and daily to-do lists. Moving no longer feels like a challenge or a difficult decision. I’ve become more comfortable with change, welcoming it in whatever form it arrives, which can sometimes be beneficial and sometimes not. Over time, my attachment to places has normalized, which sometimes makes me sad because I fear losing my feelings and becoming indifferent to the life I am living. The simple reason behind this is that I don’t want to lose myself and always strive to appreciate and give thanks for everything that happens to me.

I am naturally curious, which leads me to observe everything quite carefully. I’ve noticed how quickly people can change their personalities and how they communicate with others, not in a good way, which often doesn’t like the person I once know. I’ve questioned this repeatedly, but no one can give me answer and I think might not their concern. Fortunately, I accidentally heard the answer through a psychology show on the radio. They explained that people are often unconsciously influenced by their environments, which naturally affects their personalities. This made sense to me, and since then, I’ve reminded myself to maintain my core values and true self, even as I adapt to new environments.

Life is harsh, and it doesn’t always unfold as we wish. Especially in the modern age, people rush to keep up with social expectations, and this hurried lifestyle inadvertently impacts our lives. I am not different, not taking enough tine to reflect on the places I’ve been and appreciate what I’ve gained. I worried too much about my distant future, trying to escape the harsh realities before me. I’ve wondered if I set my expectations too high, if I was foolish to break norms, or if I was too stubborn about my abilities and dreams. I have never felt as stresses as I do now. It’s like a deep cold that cuts through my body, numbing me. I must breath slowly to avoid pain. I’ve learned that ignoring problems doesn’t make them disappear; they just wait to resurface. When I fail to meet my plans and return to self-criticism, it traps me in a negative cycle that drains all my positive emotions. I feel very exhausted.

Making the significant decision to move to a larger city was daunting because I was unsure of what to do in this strange place. It wasn’t just me moving; others were involved, doubling the effort. I met someone new who didn’t think highly of me, not because of anything I had done but because of their perceptions of my situation, which I’d rather not mention. I’ve experienced a series of uncomfortable emotions and have yet to find anything in this new environment that makes me proud. It feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders, overshadowing all my feelings. I know I must endure and navigate through these challenges, but the thought of it makes my heart ache. The more I try to comfort myself that it will be okay, the deeper the pain feels.

This beginning like this is not like every time I was experienced; it is the most significant time of building and forming my career path for the rest of my life. Of course, it sounds harsh and like such a heavy burden; currently I still feel like I’m on the verge between falling and grounding; everyone has to get through this one before getting a good standing or a good career path after that. So, I think I should be at the moment and do everything I could to fill in the only blank I need to complete all myself. It just likes little sprouts; they need time to take all the nutrients before they are ready to start a new branch and grow heavily, and the growth process of a person also goes through the same; just look at the very same process.

It’s so strange that when I look back at my past, I tend to tell others about those hard times I had been through with a positive and happy feeling; it feels like I did such a great thing or some kind of achievement. I think maybe you feel the same way as I do. Over a month since I moved to a new place, my life was like upside down and was in the chaos; I tried to wear a perfect mask on and pretend I was okay, but actually I wasn’t. I also tried to convince myself it would be just right and nothing I had to worry about; my real emotions were suppressed for so long, which led to me easily getting upset even over the smallest thing.

New year, new place, and new people. I’m still the same person but with a different attitude. I promise myself that I will be more proactive, responsible. Ultimately, everyone makes their own choices, and no one can control or limit other’s abilities or the choices they make. This applies to me as well. I refuse to limit myself; I want to explore freely and live the independent life I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl in middle school. No matter what happens, remember that you always have choices. The only limits are those of your abilities and your worth.

In some weird way, despite the panic and exhaustion, I also feel grateful and appreciative of the things that have happened to me. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to move, for having real weekends, and for the time to challenges myself.

Get out there, learn as much as you can, step out of your comfort zone, and strengthen your worth. These actions might lead you to the place you want to be. Do what you need to do, trust the process, and everything will be just fine. Ready?